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Stress is apparent in all of our lives. Stress is defined as the state of mind experienced by a person in a situation that is perceived to be threatening. This threatening situation will trigger a physical and emotional reaction. In the book, Childhood Stress: How to Raise a Healthier, Happier Child, by Barbara Kuczen, many aspects of childhood stress are explored. A child’s ability to adapt to stress, developmental sources of stress for children, and methods for dealing with the child in distress are explored. It is possible for parents and children to deal with the inevitable stresses that are part of the developmental process
It is well known that the type A individual is high strung, driven, easily upset, and obsessive about keeping schedules and getting things done. The type B person is more laid back, easy going and adaptive. These two personality types also apply to children. The type A child is more susceptible to negative stress reactions than the type B child. Some indicators that your child has a type A personality are as follows:
· The child finds it hard to relax after a day at school.
· The child gets angry quickly
· The child tries to do more than one thing at a time.
· The child is always in a hurry.
· Performance is improved by competition
· The child tends to be a leader
· The child is prone to accidents
· The child hates to waste time.
· The child talks quickly.
If several of these statements are true about your child, it is possible they are more excitable, and more likely to have a negative reaction to stress. Not all of the above mentioned characteristics are negative. The problem with the type A personality is that the individual is not able to moderate their reaction to different situations. In extreme cases the type A personality gets equally charged about a medical emergency and a sports competition. And though the type A person is more revved up about an event it does not necessarily mean they would perform better than their less excitable type B peer.
It is not just the type A personality child that is at risk for stress reactions. Children who have allergies can be affected in many different ways. An irritable, short-tempered child may be reacting to an unknown allergen. It is important to consider this when dealing with a child’s behavior. Extensive allergy testing can be done at a young age, and the problems can be dealt with at the correct level. Children who are learning-disabled have a forty to forty-five percent chance of suffering from clinical depression according to a study done by Dr. Warren Weinber of Texas Health Science Center. Depression can seriously inhibit a person’s ability to deal with stressful situations. The gifted child can also be at risk. These children have little opportunity to deal with failure, and become over-sensitized to failing. They fear that failure will render them average, and no longer special.
Throughout the developmental stages children experience many different stresses. Becoming aware of what will affect your child’s stress level at different ages can help a parent reduce some basic issues in tense times. Some cannot be avoided, but looking at the following developmental descriptions of childhood stress, adapted from Barbara Kuczen’s book, Childhood Stress, can be illuminating. These are not complete lists but outline some common issues that children face.
The two-year-old experiences stress from the fear of strangers, and the loss of parents. Toilet training, and bedtime are hated. The loss of a security object may cause stress. Becoming over-stimulated or doing too much causes intense emotional reactions. Hospitalization and doctors are problems at this age. Extended periods of time spent away from familiar surroundings can be upsetting.
The three-year-old fears letting go of babyhood. They can be stubborn, and often resent having their time over-scheduled. They tend to be possessive, jealous, and may use fibs to cover their mistakes. This stage may have toilet accidents, and fears recrimination. They are often afraid of strangers and the dark.
Four-year-olds develop feelings of insecurity. They enjoy attention, and fear being rejected, or ignored. These children will pick up fears from adults such as fear of animals, heights, snakes, etc.
The five-year-old may have difficulty with going to school for the first time. They fear separation from mother, and seek approval constantly. At this stage children may develop irrational fears, and take things out of context that cause great anxiety. This age has a great desire to protect belongings, and may mourn a toy if it is broken or lost.
Sources of stress for the six-year-old include meeting expectations of parents, demands of a full-time school schedule, and competition with peers. There is often sibling rivalry at this stage, and an inability to tolerate teasing from friends or family. The six-year-old struggles with sitting still, and the decision making necessary with their increasing independence.
Seven-year-olds can become moody, pensive, and unhappy. There is a continual need for praise from family and peers. They experience stress when they are disturbed, or forced to leave a favored activity. Friendships cause more problems and emotional upsets at this stage.
The eight-year-old may become self-critical about their appearance, ability, and performance. There is increased resentment toward parental authority. The struggle for greater independence and increased interaction with friends become great in the child. The child may desire to be left at home for short periods of time, but at the same time is still uneasy with the new responsibilities that result.
The nine-year-old may be rebellious. There is a tension between the sexes at this age, and often a preference for separation. This stage has a strong attachment to dignity, and is easily embarrassed, which may cause great emotional turmoil. A child may demand personal rights be respected, and insists on fair play at this level.
The ten to twelve-year-old will be dealing with the stress of puberty. The pubescent child has a new level of awareness concerning societal problems. The size difference in children as they develop can cause many stressful situations. Too much freedom may cause confusion, more emotional upset, and resulting bad decisions. Shyness may increase as children become uncomfortable with their own bodies development. Money is an issue now. Children wish to keep pace with peers, and make impressions on friends. The adolescent can often experience a burn out reaction at this stage if they are involved in too many activities. The push to gain independence increases, but the need for parental intervention is at a peak for this age group.
Parents can gain a better understanding of their child’s problems by becoming more aware of the stresses in their child’s specific developmental stage. If a child is exhibiting the following symptoms it is possible they are suffering from a negative stress reaction from some situation in their life.
· Violent behavior
· Aggression or hostility
· negative attitude
· low self-esteem
· withdrawn
· bragging or white lies that elevate them in other’s eyes
· impatience
· tantrums
It is important to evaluate each child and their situation to determine what is causing the behavior. If it is determined that the child is not able to cope with stress well, a parent can take several steps to assisting the child. The first step is identifying how the child reacts to stressful situations. If the child becomes withdrawn, whiney, or aggressive consistently when faced with difficult situation, this behavior should not be penalized.
The parent needs to look at these stress related behaviors, and use them as a cue to talking about the situation with the child. When the parent approaches the child it should be a position of listening, and empathizing with the child. There should be little advice giving, and no scolding involved in this process. If discipline is necessary it should be dealt with at a later time, not when the child is exhibiting a stress reaction. It is important that the parent accept the child’s feelings, and not undermine what the child is experiencing by stating, “You shouldn’t feel that way about it,” or “Don’t think of it like that.” The child is feeling something and if they are told they are wrong for feeling a certain way, it will only cause more stress.
The parent needs to accentuate the positive. If the child expresses one positive perspective on the situation, the parent can support this by saying, “I like how you did not call Jenny a name even though she hurt your feeling. I am really proud of you for that.” In this way, the parent is supporting positive coping strategies of the child, and helping the child to look positively at an emotionally upsetting situation.
The parent may further help to the child to cope with stress by having the child role-play situations that are particularly upsetting with the parent. Allow the child to choose whichever role they want, and act out the situation. It helps to have it turn out in a funny or ridiculous manner. If the child can approach the situation with humor, it loses its stressful impact.
Encouraging children by explaining that all people make mistakes, can help the perfectionistic child understand that failure is just part of the learning process. When a child has continuous accidents, it is important to down play the importance of these mistakes, so the child will not focus on negative events in their personal experiences.
Stress is neither good nor bad. It assists people in motivation at times, but can be paralyzing if it is at too great a level. It is important to assist children in their stress coping early in life, so they can deal with the stresses that are an inevitable part of life.
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